Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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