Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
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