the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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