just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
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