I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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