and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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