Cold hands, warm shart.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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