So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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