Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
