What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
