he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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