Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
