i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
