Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
