Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
