I am midnight drunk by noon
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
