Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
