Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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