3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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