so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
