We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
