I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
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