It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
