Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
