Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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