just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
It's shark week go big or go home
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
