he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
