if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
