ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
smell my finger.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
