i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
