When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
