maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
