He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
