So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
