and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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