dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You did what with his pubic hair?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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