i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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