my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
