I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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