have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
