hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
