thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
