i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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