I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
