If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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