Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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