You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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