omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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