My friends, they love my intelligence
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
