fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
