You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
its not stalking. its research.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
