I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I just forgot I was standing up.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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