Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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