Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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