Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
