I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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