I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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