I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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