I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
