Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
