I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize