did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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